Sleep, Fear, and Faith

It is rare for me to have an uneventful doctor’s visit. But recently I had an appointment that could be regarded as such.

“Everything looks great,” my doctor said, examining my three surgical incisions he had made two weeks prior to this visit. “You’re healing up on schedule.”

Minutes later I left his office to meet my mom and my son, both waiting in the lobby. It felt amazing to be under the guise of “normal” for once. What a gift to not hear how complicated my case was or how unique my symptoms were.

No, this particular appointment was simply ordinary. I was healing OK. And to me, that was extraordinary.

Two weeks prior to this appointment I had undergone surgery for an Inspire Therapy implant to help my sleep. A battery operated stimulator was implanted under my right collarbone, with two leads extending out from it in opposite directions. One lead went by my lungs between my ribs, while the other one wrapped around the hypoglossal nerve in my neck. Once activated, the lead next to my lungs will sync with my breathing, signaling the main implant. Then an electrical pulse will be sent to the other lead, causing the hypoglossal nerve to rhythmically move my tongue so it stays out of my airway. This all will happen while asleep.

See, sleep apnea left untreated is dangerous and life threatening. During a sleep apnea episode, the airway collapses, leaving the body without an oxygen supply. An emergency signal is sent to the brain, causing adrenaline to race through the body to open the airway. Someone with sleep apnea can have this happen dozens, if not hundreds of times throughout the night.

According to my last sleep study, this is happening to me 51 times an hour.

Although I have tried all kinds of treatments for sleep apnea these past three and a half years (even surgical), nothing has helped me long term. During the last several months, my lack of restorative sleep snowballed into an even greater issue. Fatigue became an unrelenting bully, affecting nearly all aspects of my life. No matter how much I slept or how much caffeine I consumed, I always felt a blanket of exhaustion over me. Driving long distances became unthinkable, because I might fall asleep at the wheel. Depression, forgetfulness, and confusion became regular visitors. In wakeful hours my brain was working overtime to try and function with daily tasks, and during sleep it interpreted my body’s survival tactics and adrenaline rushes as terrifying life and death nightmares. Sleep was not – and currently is not – ever restful or restorative for me.

I had my implant surgically placed five weeks ago. My follow-up appointment was three weeks ago.

Now I am just days away from the Inspire Therapy implant being activated…but I am afraid.

I am afraid I will be in the 5% of people implanted who do not receive any benefit from the device. Conversely, that does mean that 95% of my surgeon’s patients do have positive results from Inspire Therapy, but my body has not typically been one to follow the majority when it comes to medical issues.

I am afraid of complications. The “what if” scenarios are strong in my head right now. I have experienced rare and painful complications many times through the years, including my jaw issues that were brought on by surgery gone awry over three years ago.

And finally, I am afraid of letting others down who are cheering me on and praying for me. Even though this outcome is beyond my control, there is part of me that feels responsible to share good news. I had jaw dislocations over the summer and muscle spasms that were unbearably painful after this latest surgery. It’s hard to not feel like I am burdening others with more disappointments, should this implant not work.

These fears are real, but they aren’t everything.

I am also optimistic.

Sometimes it is easy to see God’s provision, while other times it is more difficult. These last several months I have seen God open doors time and time again.

In April it was determined my airway collapses in a way that could possibly benefit from Inspire Therapy. The next four months were filled with countless phone calls and emails between our doctors, insurance, and the Inspire Therapy representatives. (A huge shout out to my husband, who did most of the footwork on this!) My case was repeatedly rejected by insurance, but it was finally, miraculously approved after many prayers, and three appeals. My implant surgery was set for late October.

However, with my Apnea-Hypopnea Index numbers nearly twice as high (51) as the threshold for severe (30), my surgeon mercifully expedited my surgery to late August, two months earlier than first scheduled. God’s grace.

And perhaps most significantly, since my surgery date was moved, my activation date also got rescheduled.

The new date for my implant activation is what would have been my dad’s 75th birthday.

My dad will always hold a special place in my heart. Two years ago his birthday was extra memorable and cause for celebration. He had just been released from spending several days in the hospital after fighting a severe infection alongside his cancer. Only weeks later my dad passed away. Of all days my implant activation could be scheduled for, having it on my dad’s birthday feels like a hug from Heaven.

Dad with my son in 2013

I don’t know how these next few days will play out. I don’t know if Inspire Therapy will work or whether or not there will be complications.

I do know that even though my fears are strong, God is stronger. There remains purpose through all of these struggles, and there is comfort in trusting God with my life. God’s leading has been evident throughout this whole process, and certainly He won’t let me go. I hold onto Joshua 1:9 – “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.”

And regardless of what is ahead, I was able to have at least one ordinary doctor’s appointment just weeks ago. Maybe…just maybe…I’ll be able to have more of those simple, straight forward kind of appointments in the days to come. Either way, I will be thinking of my dad at my next one.


  1. We sure do tend to forget about the “ordinary”, just a daily thing but how often God uses those ordinary moments to inspire us. I am one whose has prayed for you and I will continue. You can’t let us down unless you reject God’s mercy and grace altogether. God has called us to walk alongside, not behind, not ahead, but beside. It’s been my pleasure to pray for you, get your updates (thanks Joanne) and see how you are trusting a God who is bigger than we are.


  2. Thanks again, Carrie, for writing down your thoughts for us to read. Then we can be praying for you specifically. I love Josh 1:9 also – God is always with us! That thought rolls off our tongues so easily, but it is TRUTH! We do not have to be afraid. God is the God of the impossible! We’ll be waiting for how He answers us!


  3. Carrie, I will be lifting you up in prayer as you face this uncertain chapter in your life. God is with you, every step of the way, but you already know that! May He bless you and heal you, my friend.


  4. As usual, the tears flow as I read your beautifully written words of authentic faith. I sure will continue to pray Joshua 1:9 for you but I believe God is answering that already in so many ways, you are one of the most courageous people I know! You have persevered under some very extreme circumstances with faith and humor and a good attitude. Maybe you feel like your faith was flickering at times but you didn’t let go of His hand. I will pray for more of those ” ordinary ” results as you move forward day by day with trust in our Extraordinary God. I love you so very much! πŸ’•
    “A bruised reed he will not break,and a smoldering wick he will not quench, until he brings justice to victory; and in his name the Gentiles will hope.” Matthew 12:20,21


  5. Apparently I finally got myself successfully subscribe to your blog. I appreciated this latest writing of yours very much. We pray for you multiple times daily, and I always lift you up to the elders and deacons at our monthly meetings at church, too. Most recently, last night. Definitely thinking of you this Friday, and Friday night.

    I love you very much.

    Sent from my iPhone


  6. Carrie, Your faith is shining through as you journey through this “hard”–no matter what happens you’re not letting people down. It’s not easy to have a body that likes to not respond as it should–I’m so thankful that we have the Lord’s help in navigating these trials of life–it’s in His strength that we endure what seems to be “impossible”. What a blessing to have the implant activated on your dad’s birthday.

    My dear friend and sister in the Lord, I’m remembering you in prayer. Sending much love and many gentle hugs your way.



  7. Do not ever feel responsible for delivering good news or letting down those who are praying for you. We are praying for you and rejoicing in the small victories with you because we care about you. The numerous setbacks are discouraging of course, and I’ve found myself asking God “Why??”. But it just makes me pray harder for you and never should you feel responsible for others reactions to your health news. The last thing I want to do is put more stress on you with the need to deliver good news! So whatever happens, I will be praying for you and cheering you on!


  8. Our dear Carrie, We’ve FINALLY taken a break to locate your blog, & are simply amazed at your command of straight-forward, honest, touching words. I feel like you’re sitting next to me, sharing your story. Your wonderful Mom (my cousin) has kept us apprised of your progress, & trials :(… as you’ve endured SO MUCH during these past 3+ years. Our little Arlington United Church (AUC — a United Methodist/Evangelical Covenant merger) has been keeping you on our prayer list, posted weekly, & we’ve shared updates at the monthly AUC Men’s breakfast & at my weekly Bible Study.

    One of the books that I’m currently reading is Linda Dillow’s “Calm My Anxious Heart”, a Woman’s guide to finding contentment. I thought of this when you wrote “What if…” & wonder if you’ve already read this book?
    I want to share with you a few thoughts she shared, which fits so aptly into your blog:
    Two of the deadliest spiritual diseases are “What If” –looking to the future & worrying about what God might allow –leading to anxiety; and “If Only”–looking to the past & grumbling about what God has given –leading to anger. Both lack the eyes of faith.
    The Serenity Prayer is a practical way to deal with our “What If’s”. She encourages each of us to remember what Christ experienced during his life & passion, remember to Trust God.
    Focusing on God as he works in you the grace he means to bestow, say “In his good time he can bring me out again. How & when, he knows. I am here (1) by God’s appointment, (2) in his keeping, (3) under his training, (4) for his time. (from Andrew Murray).

    Your example & your words are such a blessing to all who hear about your ongoing journey. God is with you,
    honey, & we’re all praying for complete healing & a miracle to restore your health. Love, & best wishes,
    Jeannine & Lanny


    • Thank you, Jeannine and Lanny. I love your reference to the book by Linda Dillow – a lot of wisdom there. I am immensely grateful to you and your church for your ongoing prayers – God has listened! Love to you both!!


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